I'm just sitting here waiting.
I could get up and go and do
something. Anything, really.
I'm fine though.
I am.
Being here is nice.
I haven't gone back to where I started.
Nor am I trying to get back there.
I never even thought to turn around
and see what was left behind.
I just realized the lyrics to Katy Perry's "Hot and Cold" are all about appliances.
"cause you're hot then you're cold hair dryer
you're yes then you're no magic eight ball
you're in then you're out revolving door
you're up then you're down" elevator
"you're wrong when it's right a scale
it's black and it's white" poloroid camera
I always think about saying unbecoming subject matter in the middle of class discussion.
Today in my kind of art class, a classmate posed a question. The most repetitive answers were given and hashed over. The question was real dumb, to say the least. So I was ready to just raise my hand and say "I really do not care."
Another student put up some terrible art. It was just not good.
She tried to argue her art as being unique when she was, essentially, accused of having her art look just like the artist she had been studying.
I wanted to let her know it wasn't good and that all she could really do is make poor reinterpretations of famous art. That she doesn't have any ideas of her own and she isn't very original in any way.
It's probably good I just keep to myself during classes.
I'm feeling like I am pressing too many of my issues which makes me feel guilty for being so needy.
Confused.
I'm feeling confused about how to feel and if maybe I should stop pressing my issues onto others so that I won't feel guilty and then I will stop being so needy.
Can we take up permanent residence?
I'd like to.
I can see your ambivalence.
If we did decide to, in fact, stay here I would like substance.
You seem content.
You seem not to be, as well.
We are a charismatic scene.
It's physical, definitely aesthetic.
I feel guilty when I lie. I can't think about much else.
One time in elementary school I told a classmate I was going to be Pippi Longstocking for Halloween. I didn't end up being that because I couldn't figure out a costume and had changed my mind several times. I felt terrible for not telling them the truth or just not saying anything at all even though I didn't even realize it was going to end up being a lie.
I rarely forget if I wronged someone.
I still think about the time I threw away my mom's necklace when I was little because I was mad at her. I remember the look on her face. It was like this type of sadness where she didn't have to say anything at all. I knew exactly how she felt. She looked like she knew yelling would be useless and so would crying. The necklace meant something to her, I don't remember what, but that was why I threw it out. I knew it would hurt her.
I'm sure she's forgotten about it by now, or would at least pretend she has.
The thing about this is that I don't like to bullshit. I'm gonna be straight up about it all. I think.
There was this customer at work. She was dressed really cool and had cool hair and had cool glasses.
I was being really goofy at work, but it was fine because I guess I can do that and it be okay.
SO the guys with the girl were who I rang up first.
And I said things like "I feel like you're talking to me when you say "Your Highness"."
And "No. You may not see this movie." When they asked if they could see the movie. I'M NUTS.
SO the cool girl said I reminded her of Anne Hathaway circa Princess Diaries.
I liked that.
I like knowing what people think of me and how I act. It's intereSTANG to hear.
I get stressed out a lot during movies that probably shouldn't stress me out.
Examples: Meet the Parents:
- Ben Stiller's character just has so much pressure on him. Then he hits that girl in the nose and it's kinda funny, but also the family isn't really accepting him. Then the whole thing with the cat.
STRESSFUL
Sleeping Beauty:
-The near end part when the prince guy or whatever is trying to slay the big dragon witch thing. She is so large and he is so tiny.
STRESSFUL
Snow White and The Seven Dwarves:
-When those tiny guys are goin' off to work. STRESSFUL
Basically whenever there is some sort of obstacle for the character(s) to get through and I can't comprehend a situation of that magnitude. I feel like I do right before a panic attack.
They may even be good movies that I really like, but I can't watch them again because I can't go through the emotions of being so stressed out over it one more time. I can't even remember the last time I watched Sleeping Beauty. I have avoided it for such a long time.
I will push and push something not really sure where the breaking point but, I'm seem almost willing to find out.
it's like being blind folded near the edge of a cliff. I keep pushing further even though I know the drop off is inevitable.
and it isn't always me I'm trying to knock off the edge. Someone important to me could be the blind folded one and I'm just directing them onward even though I have an extremely good idea of where things could get hairy.
Why do I do this?
Maybe I just like to find out where people draw their boundary lines.
Or perhaps it's because I secretly don't want anyone to stay close to me for long.
I wish I tried harder to keep the important people close.
I let friendships, good ones at that, slip through my fingers because I don't put enough effort into it.
It's like the whole "outta sight, outta mind" thing. BUT just because someone I care about isn't around shouldn't mean they aren't important.
I wish I tried harder, especially with Krissy.
I'm not sure if she feels the same way, but I still consider her one of my best friends. Whenever we find our way back into eachother's lives it feels like no time has past and our friendship has just sort of maintained itself somehow. Although this is the coolest thing in the world to me. IT DOES NOT MEAN I should be allowed to just kinda let their be this whole lack of communication.
I miss her... and if you're reading this, I miss you.
Being here is hard.
I feel like I just don't care about things the way I used to. I want me back. I feel like whenever I'm on campus I've lost myself. This is repeptitive, I know. It's just true.
The only time I feel like I'm okay is when I hang out with my two friends here. That's when things are nice.
I rely too much on them though for my entertainment. I feel torn and this is where I feel like I'm pushing them toward the edge. I need to stop and figure out how to just be alone.
I wear basically the same pair of pajamas a few days in a row.
It works with that fact that I feel like a week is just like this really long day strung together. Every day is so similar and runs right in with the other. I hardly know what day it is anymore which is okay.
There are just times when I realize that things are so constant that maybe I shouldn't just rely on what I've been doing. Like how everyday I go through this same contemplation:
"I just went up a lot of stairs. Am I on the fourth floor yet? Well I'm not tired yet, so probably not."
Every time I go up those stairs. The same thought. You'd think my brain would get sick of thinking the same thing again and again.
but it doesn't.
What I'm trying to say is that things are moving by so fast and I want them to. BUT I also don't want that because I don't want to miss out on things.
I dragged myself out of the shower at twenty til nine.
